Some Days Are Like That

This was written on a bad day:

I never really had any huge plans when it came to having a family, except for the part where I wanted ten kids. So, when my fiancé and I discussed having children, he explained how he had always wanted to have ten children and lucky me--I found my male doppelganger.

Having grown up a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons), we believe that families can be together forever. After we were married, we didn’t waste any time and 11 months later a baby girl was born. We didn’t know it, but later Mercedes would become the older sister of three autistic brothers.

Now here it is almost 14 years later and we are in the midst of this autism whirlwind. My fairy tale dreams have included four children, plus a “big child husband” (diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome at age 35). I am tired. My house is a mess. My world is isolating and confining. I live each day hour by hour, sometimes minute by minute. I cannot think about the future, for that will undo me. We only have four children, but it sure feels like ten on some days.
I ask myself a lot of questions but I don’t have the answers. No one around me has any answers. So, I turn to prayer as a comfort, a guide. In the meantime, I force myself to do the day to day tedious and unrelenting tasks hoping that I’m getting somewhere and that there is a point to all of this.

Some days are just like that.

The other day Ryder had his first-ever regular poo. I took a picture, (don’t worry, I won’t post it) and did a dance of joy.

Dealing with autism sure makes you get excited about the little things that most people take for granted. Who cares about a trip to Disneyland when your four year old had his first-ever well formed, non-smelly poo in his diaper? See? This is what I’m dealing with on a day to day basis. This makes for a very difficult time to relate to others. It’s lonely down here on the bottom. Literally.